shite hit the fan again last night. Gypsy, you are absolutely right! and exactly what i was going to write about this morning. (but in a slightly different way) Anyway, i have been miserable because i've been "fighting the system". You are right that i have the power to change and only I. So that's what i'm gonna do. I need to change because what i'm doing now is not working. For any of us. I guess i was fighting because i feared losing "me". well, "me" has been broken for a long time and not that great to begin with, so why was i holding onto it. Stupid! I feel that i will find the real me (in time). And with the changes I will be happier, more satisified with my life and the reasons why i'm here will be clear.
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If it all comes down to interpretation and my interpetations are wrong, why is someone elses right? I take everything in the negative. i'm not good enough for anything. i get shot down very easy and then give up. when the daily planner came up it got me thinking about how to get things done. i came up with a simple idea that if i cleaned two rooms a day, every room would be cleaned once a week. it was suggested that i change the plan so that i was not cleaning on the weekend. my interpretation was don't infringe on "my" time. i guess i needed to interpret it as that would take away from "family time".
This goes way beyond my husband. I really don't think he's the bad guy here. I don't think i'm wired correctly in the head.
i started out pretty positive today but i've lost it. I am so messed up. I'm sorry Gypsy and Val, all you say helps me more than you'll know. And just that you ladies take the time means the world to me. I know your lives are filled with "things" too. I feel horrible that i haven't been there for any of you. Dale you once told me to hang on to a little something and don't let it go - i think it's been your friendships and it's getting me through.
Maureen darlin, I luv ya. thanks for completing the circle. i will take you up on that real hug i hope soon.
i need to go visit my Dad now......Mom went there yesterday and blamed him for all that he's going through. "it's all your fault, Elmer". My Dad called me last night to tell me about the visit. I think it must have really bothered him because it was the same things he told me in the afternoon when i called him.
14 comments:
Cheryl Ann, I don't know where to start. I feel the same way you do about my own life right now.
I have been desperately trying to shake the shadow following me - my own shadow.
I have begun to hate what I feel that I've become and where I am at this point in my life. Failure is all I can feel.
BUT, I know that, deep inside, I have chosen the right path (by leaving my husband).
In the end, I have had to let go of my children and that tears my heart out.
My family is in tatters, my house is gone and I lost my job (the one I'd had for 13 years, but the business closed). All this within a span of a few months...
I have no money, no savings, no real home, but I still have ME.
Where better place to begin, than with my own company! I am intelligent, strong, energetic, dedicated and I still love to have fun.
Somewhere in this tangle, there will emerge a pattern. A pattern of my own making, and one for the better. I know it.
I will never give up. I will continue - and fight if I have to.
My children are not lost, there is a new home out there, just waiting for me, and I have a decent job again.
I still Love, am Loved in return, and there is no greater force on earth than that!
Cheryl, the you inside is the most important part of all of this, and what Dale says here is true for me too. When you start with being content with yourself, then this spreads out to embrace everyone around you.
I was just thinking that what is so amazing here is reading everyone else's stories and seeing what they have all become. The most striking feature of all is the strength of the characters that have come out. Think of who Gypsy, Dale and Maureen are!! What special people they are too. They have all come out the other side with and being something wonderful.
Dale and Val have said it perfectly and given good advice from experience..
Positivity is a state of mind, it has nothing to do what life or indeed people throw at us, You will always have You, no matter what..there's an inbuilt survival mechanism in us to overcome (shite)..
Deal with everything in the moment..not the past..it's gone..not the future..it doesn't yet exist...
Start to believe in yourself right now!..even if it feels uncomfortable..it will soon become your truth..
I'm scared..........
Cher,
We are all scared of something, sometime. Let's just be scared TOGETHER. Maybe it can be easier and I guess they say there is strength in numbers.
I always have a shoulder and an ear ready to share with you.
Hugs to DALE and VallyP, too.
♥ ♥ ♥
Dale, my heart breaks for you and yet beats stronger because of you. You are also an inspirational, beautiful and talented.
Val, that's the thing that most amazes me is the strength and one quality i hope i gain from you.
Gypsy, i need to change my negativity to positivity in the moment. i need to believe in myself, care about myself, and know in my heart i am worth something.
this is going to be a long hard road for me, as I'm sure it has been for you as well. thank you all for sticking with me and i promise to listen to what you say and follow your examples.
You guys should charge me for all the great advise and time you've spent:) It'll be an expensive one but i will pay back in installments:) and a better me!
hey maureen, you snuck in there!
thanks darlin! With all of you by my side i can't lose!!!!!!!!
Hope your Thanksgiving is warmhearted, filled with laughter and at the end of the day is stuffed as full as the turkey with love.
Cher,
It was great talking to you.
♥
I want to THANK YOU for telling me what you told me. It gives me some comfort knowing that maybe it worked out for the best.
♥
I eagerly await the chance to get together with you.
♥
Wishing YOU and all of your blogging friends here a comforting and happy holiday season.
♥
What a pool of love and friendship there is here. Maureen, you and Cheryl seem to have something very special there, and I hope it brings you both warmth to know that you are there for each other.
Cheryl, you WILL make it through this, I'm so completely sure of that. We are all going to keep coming back and supporting you through this, but at the end of the day, it will be you who have turned thing around for yourself.
Think of Dale, think of Gypsy...think of all of us who have been to our own version of hell and are still here. Stronger, more charged with life and more ready for fun and laughter than ever before.
Cheryl Ann, I have been away from blogging for a few days but am now reeling at all the revelations and pain I've caught up with here.
Thankfully, I am also reeling with the positive energy of all the wonderful, loving, sensible and hard-earned advice you've been given.
There's just one thing I'd like to add besides my own best wishes. I don't know your husband, so am only basing my next comments on what you've written. However, what is here really disturbs me. Loyalty is good, blind loyalty can be dangerous. Control is control, and has no part in a mutual relationship. Insisting on accompanying you when you shop, and even planning your daily itinerary (still gagging on that one I'm afraid) is all about control, not help. Help is sitting down together and finding a way forward that you are both comfortable with. Help is him asking how best he can support you and working out a strategy together. Help is about co-operation, not control.
Listen to me please - this is not your fault. There are words here that tell me you're assuming the blame for all the emotional, physical and financial hurdles you and your husband are facing. Feeling like that is part of the cruelty of being made a victim through being controlled.
There are so many wise, positive words here which show the way forward to rediscovering your self-esteem. Allowing someone else to run your life is not amongst them.
Be strong when you can, but more importantly, be yourself always.
Please forgive the candour, but I think you deserve better.
M x.
Um - one last thing: Cleaning "schedules" are stressful, and generally doomed to failure. Trust me - I know - I've tried them more than once. Something happens to throw your plans out, and boom - you've "failed". You haven't of course - you've just done something else that was more important at the time. Do what you can, when you can, and don't pressure yourself to play the domestic goddess. I'm sure they exist, but I'm even more sure they're dead boring.
Incidentally, are you the only person who cleans the house? A family needs to pitch in. We all live in the space, we all make the mess - we all clean it up. Remember Sesame Street? (Sings) "Co-op-er-ation - makes it hap-pen ..."
Hope you're feeling a little better.
Love from very-far-from-perfect-in-any-way-at-all-believe-me-Margie.
x
Cheryl Ann...
breathe....
xxx
be back soon
Stevie
Hi Cher,
Reminding you I'm here and not leaving!!!
Hope you are doing better.
Hugs 2 U.
♥ ♥ &hearts
a quick hello, huddle and love...
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