It's hell being trapped inside my head! Gypsy, your huddles really helped. Oh and i used your shoulder to cry on Saturday night as well.
Hubby and I were invited to a clam bake Saturday evening. Now I wasn't much in the mood but I thought it might help bring me back. So, i'm all dressed, coat and gloves in hand and Hubby says "oh yea, Tim (the person throwing the bash) said that Diane might be there tonight" {someone reaches into my chest cavity and grabs my heart with cold hands and proceeds to juice it like a fresh orange} (Diane is an "old girlfriend" of my hubbys) Everything Halts! And i'm trying to breathe. None of this would have bothered me if my mental capabilities were switched on. But they are in the "OFF" position. "That shouldn't be a problem, right?" hubby says. In a very low, uncaring, defeated voice i said "i need to go to the bathroom". I stood there and looked real hard into the lifeless eyes that stared back at me and realized "I can't do this", "it won't be good". Calmly walked downstairs taking my coat off, my shoes, and putting things away said to hubby "Ya know, i really don't feel well and being outside in the cold all night is probably not the best thing i could do for myself right now". He went on and I sobbed for a little while.
I am deeply moved and extremely touched by your comments and your caring. I would like to address you all individually but I just can't seem to do even that at the moment. Just know my heart doesn't feel like fresh squeezed juice right now.
THANK YOU!
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10 comments:
Listen Cherylann, i'd have done excactly the same thing and your husbands lack of tact is one day going to be his downfall..
we all feel insecure at times and I know how that feels, and the way you feel right now is something we all endured at times ..
My ex hub used to put me down, then procede to chat up other women in my presence, I felt so small and humiliated, when your already down on yourself, you tend to soak up any negativity like a sponge..but trust me, you will rise again higher than you know, and NO ONE will put you down..
You just concetrate on being the wonderful person you are, doesn't matter if you believe it or not but look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worthy girl..xx
Cheryl Ann, my ex did exactly what Gypsy's did too, and yes, I would probably have done the same thing. You just concentrate on yourself for now and let the rest go hang. WE know you are a terrific, wonderful and extremely attractive woman; what you need to do is start believing it yourself, and that takes some woek, so start tomorrow. Wake up and do as Gypsy says. You are worthy, you are lovely and you are strong. Dale gave us this lovely quote not long ago:
"Women are the aristocrats, and it is always the mother who makes us realise we are one of the better sorts" or words very close to that. That is what youa re Cheryl Ann. We believe in you...we really do.xxx
Right then.
First off, I am so very sorry I have been absent and missed reaching to you when you really needed it. Thank goodness our blogger sister Gypsy is so faithful to us all!
I just read your “OK, once again I'm sad and depressed” post, and I have so many things I want to say they are all jumbling about and cramming themselves against the doorjam.
First off, I cried. Because to be frank, you wrote things that I know all too well from my first marriage.
I may not have ever met you in person, but I read what you write, and I think I have a pretty good grasp of who are you are.
You are not lazy. You are certainly not stupid. Does this husband of yours keep a strict schedule for himself of coming home at the exact same time so you can actually plan dinner for a certain time? I rather doubt it by the sounds of it. Stepford wife crap anyhow.
Your house is not PERFECT???? God save us all. If that is the measure of a good woman, I throw in the towel now. Boring women have perfect homes.
So what is you are home all day? Are you his maid? I mean sure, I agree if one partner stays at home, much (but NOT all) of the domestic stuff often falls to them. But I know a few women who stay home all the time, and the only one who has a super tidy house has a fucking full time maid.
I also know a couple of women who do keep their house spotless and sparkling, but they are really creepy and I don’t like them much.
And let’s please keep in mind, there is a VAST difference between dirty and untidy. My house is generally fairly clean. But perfectly tidy? Um, yeah…. sometimes… if I squint real, real hard.
Hell no. Some people are neat freaks, some are normal.
Next, you don’t want to have sex? Well hell honey, if that’s the sort of stuff he says to you and that is how he treats you, why would you want to have sex with him?
He might be gorgeous for all I know, but even the most handsome of men are ugly as sin if they are not kind, true and respectful of others, particularly the people they spend their lives with. And the reverse is true.
You stink? Well, you smoke, so chances are you smell like cigs, but that does not mean you personally stink. Do you smoke in the house? If you do, I heartily recommend banning indoor smoking. If you have to go outside for every smoke, you’ll smoke less (another bonus) and if you are strategic, like have a smoking jacket, try to stay downwind of the smoke, wash up after every one, you’ll smell less like ciggies. Take if from someone who still sneaks a menthol fag every month or so. (incidentally, menthols smell less).
Are you feeling overweight? Here’s an even better idea. Pick a spot half a mile from home, stash your smokes, and make yourself power walk to that spot whenever you want one. You’ll either quite smoking or get in kick ass shape.
But if you want to lose weight, you promise me you do it for yourself, for your own reasons, and not anyone else’s.
AND I am willing to bet you are not particularly overweight, but are seeing yourself that way because you are feeling negatively about yourself and are getting so much negative feedback. Watch Fried Green Tomatoes.
Hair? Shave it off. Then ask how he likes it.
Or find a good hairdresser, one that has their hair styled in a way you like (if you don’t like how their hair looks, chances are they are not going to style yours they won’t you want), and ask them to give you something new, easy and fresh.
You are not a waste of flesh. If I were sitting with you know I’d flick you on the forehead.
You are a mother, a sister, a daughter, and you are our dear friend. You are a strong and capable woman who has far better things to do that cater to a demanding and (by the sounds of it) self centered brat of a husband.
On your profile, you have accountant as your profession… I have to admit I don’t know any more than that about you professionally. But if that is the case, if you can keep books and do all that, consider contracting yourself out to a few small businesses (or large) and working out of your home.
Sweetheart, you don’t sound happy, that is true. But the things you mentioned, all the complaints he has, are not your fault.
Frankly I don’t think he deserves you. And if he is too dense and insensitive to see how Diane being at the clam bake bothered you, well all I can say is I wish I’d been there to give him a piece of my mind.
You did the right thing talking to your doc. There is nothing wrong in reaching for help. Been there done that, got the tee-shirt and annual newsletter to boot.
It is possible there is something chemical going on. Keep talking to us.
And get some good books on depression. Rent “What The Bleep Do We Know.” It is wonderful. There are so many things that can cause it, so many ways to combat it. The walking thing is a good one for all sorts of stuff: depression, cutting back on smoking, improving your heart and lung condition.
Pick yourself up honey and first off, you go to a salon and get yourself a new do. With his credit card.
See if you can’t pick up some at home work, then spend YOUR money however the hell you like.
Look your Amy in the eyes, know she loves you without reserve, and do your level best to see yourself through her eyes. Love yourself Chery-Ann. Love everything about yourself, even your foibles. Because they are you.
I think hubby needs a reality check. If he wants a clean house and dinner on time and loving couple time, he ought to take a long hard look at how he treats you and make some serious adjustments. No one that puts people down and/or makes them feel in any way unworthy is worth anything. That is not love.
I’d like very much for you to post a photo of yourself luv. A recent one. Please?
Be well, take a bath, do whatever you like to do to make yourself feel pretty, and listen to your heart.
Xxx
Stevie
Cheryl Ann.
I have looked into those same lifeless eyes in the mirror.
The life will return.
Be patient and take very good care of yourself. You are no good to anyone unless you do that. At the moment you are in survival mode - that is good. Life is forcing you to take that very care and, if nothing else, just hang on.
I know...
All the love and huddles I can muster.
Dale
I just read the post that does not show up on the page.
Oh yes, I see the pattern alright.
I saw it with me and my relationship. I made a change and, as with deciding to have children, one cannot wait for the "right time".
In a matter of 6 months, I lost my job, my husband, having my children every day and I lost my home.
How's that for a sad inventory?
At 50 years old, no less.
That is so not what I had planned for my life.
BUT - I do not regret the decision to leave my husband. For many of the same reasons as you have listed.
Hold on to you. Hold on tight. You're all you've got. Hold on and hold on.
One thing that made a huge difference was when I found a new job. My self-confidence was boosted for many reasons. If only for the satisfaction of a job well done.
The trick is to prioritise and make a plan. Stick to it as well as you can - and have Patience.
It's not going to happen over night, but it WILL happen.
I'm still waiting...
And sometimes feeling sorry for myself - and why not? Life has been pretty shitty, to be honest.
Hang in there, sister.
You have my e-mail.
Be good to yourself.
Love
Dale
Great words from Stevie and Dale, Cheryl Ann. Dale in particular is only now seeing the light at the end of her tunnel.
And I meant wake up tomorrow and look at yourself as a new person, not just wake up...sheesh, that sounds terrible. I'm so sorry dear.
Hang in there, love, we are with you. xxx
...and that light keeps bobbing and swaying, Val.
OMG, talk about being empowered! I feel unstoppable. cmon dale, sing with me.... cause i'm T-N-T, i'm dynamite---watch me explode!!!!
I absolutely am utterly besides myself with gratitude.
Gypsy, Dale, Val, Stevie, Margie, Lace:
YOU LADIES ARE THE BEST OF THE BEST! I am truly overwhelmed. (someone get me a tissue) xo
I'm off to see the doc, i'll keep you posted!
love and huddles
You will get there..
I can see you changing already!..
take it all one at a time..you are important..
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